the voice of great antiquity

• 1-6: The Mason Family and their Dog, subjected to numerous fatal injuries.
• 7: Mrs. Talbot - Elderly Woman, run off the road by Santa.
• 8: Disgruntled Youth, beaten and stabbed with a candy-cane after attempting to rob Santa.
• 9: Valet, eaten by Santa’s “hell-deer”.
• 10: Security Guard, beaten, strangled, and gift-wrapped by Santa.
• 11: Bouncer, thrown by Santa onto the bartender’s knife.
• 12: Bartender, axed in head.
• 13: Bar Patron, electrocuted by a stripper pole Santa kicks into a lamp.
• 14-19: The Strippers, trapped in a blaze from burning coal.
• 20-21: Spoiled Boys, blown up by explosive presents.
• 22: Mr. Green, beaten and impaled upon his menorah.
• 23-27: Captain Caulk, the Officers, Dick Zucker and Cop, tazered, stabbed, impaled, and generally killed by Santa.
• 28-33: Christmas Carolers, dispatched by a number of various wrestling moves.
• 34: Grandpa Yuleson, run down by Santa’s “hell-deer”.
• 35: Pastor Timmons, impaled after being blown out of Santa’s sleigh.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

I don’t know how I missed this idea for a novelty blog until now: combining my love of schlocky, terrible fiction with my love of hating things. If it’s ham-fisted and free in the Kindle store, I’m your huckleberry. Double if there’s overlong action sequences.

gillianmae:

Oh, because who doesn’t need a $405 Le Creuset French Oven, “personal energy generator,” archer bow and $139,000 Icon A5 airplane? Don’t forget to squeeze the $4,784 flight simulator under your tree!

Edit: I love that the intern nominated a Skip-It! Go gurl.

P.P.S: “Sponsored by Louis Vuitton.”

In Rachael’s defense: she’s a very dear friend and former roommate of mine, and I swear that she and her husband don’t have room for that airplane in their apartment.